I still cry when I remember you...

I hesitate to even post tonight because my level of anxiety is so high, and I would never want to fill this blog full or negative energy. However, I made a commitment to be real, and that's what I am going to do!


This week has been so strange, I have spent alot of time cleaning the house(although you couldn't tell from looking at it right now!) or more or less organizing it. It has been nice to have some alone time, just me and God. However, since I am an extrovert, and I get my energy from being around other people, it was a little draining. I finally boxed up all of the baby stuff in the guest bedroom and sent it downstairs to the garage. A friend of mine had given me her left overs from having her babies, and I was reluctant to pack it all up, convincing myself every month that I would "need it soon". I have come to realize though, that I don't want anything for myself that God doesn't want for me too. I know that I will have another baby. I also know though, that he hasn't let that happen yet for a reason. I know that he wants to use me or do something with me that a child would hinder. I feel that in my spirit. I am finally, after alot of praying and waiting, at a point where I can be ok with not having a baby right now. I am not going to say that I don't hurt for a baby, or have that need in my heart, but I don't wrestle with God about it so much anymore.

I guess in packing up all that stuff, I had several moments about Jordyn. I would pause and start to think "what if..." I know I cant do that. Gods will is perfect, and although I know he wills for no child to die, he will bring something beautiful from this. On the other hand, my heart still hurts so badly and sometimes it feels so real that I can barely breathe. My stage of grief is so different then it was 8 months ago, but it still seems so raw. I wonder if it will always hurt this much. I wonder what the other side of September 24th will be like. Once he was supposed to be here. I know that its just a day, but in my brain, that was his day, the day he should have been here. I feel sometimes stupid, like I make too big a deal out of it. I have never been through anything like this before, and I am just trying to deal with it in the best way I know how. No matter how much I want to forget, I cant. He will always be a part of us, and if we never have another child on this Earth, I get to be someones mommy in heaven. :-) Now, that makes me smile!

Here is a lil something I wrote on Mother's Day to help me get through my day:

Today is Mother's Day, and I am somebody's mommy.
Yet, Mother's Day is not for me.
Others do not know. They ask when I will have "a little one."
I just smile and tell them, "Soon, I hope."
I feel so much on the inside when they ask that question, but I just smile.
They couldn't possibly know how lonely I feel without you here.

I am somebody's mommy, yet Mother's day was not for me.
No candies, cards, or phone calls.
No baby to hold or call my own.
Instead, I know inside that my little one is waiting
for me in Heaven above, and when I get there
Everyday will be Mother's Day...

Well, I guess I need to head to bed. I need to get up at a decent hour tomorrow and get some stuff done! Sorry the whole entry was about Jordyn! I love you my sweet little man!