Its all the little things...

I thought that it would be the big things about this month that would hurt the most. Newborn babies, pregnant women, baby clothes, etc. But that's not really what hurts. Its the little things that I have noticed. Like today, I was leaving my house and as I walked out my door and down the stairs I noticed all the leaves covering the sidewalk. It hurts because when I found out I was pregnant I knew I would be having him about the time the seasons change. The line from a song called "I still cry" played back in my head, "...and when the leaves start falling down, I'll still cry." It took all I could do not to cry. Then, the children named Jordan that I see everyday. When their parents call their names, it makes me so sad. I feel like I should be calling my Jordyn's name. I don't feel at all like I imagined I would feel. The pain feels more numbed, dull and aching. Not so sharp and stabbing anymore. I will never get over Jordyn. He will always be my baby, but I know It will continue to get easier. To be honest, I am doing alot better than I thought I would be doing. I am so thankful that God heals out hearts and mends the brokenness in our lives. I know that one day the things that hurt so bad wont hurt anymore. "He gives beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning, and peace for despair!"

I am subbing for the first time tomorrow. I am so excited and scared! I am going to be subbing for Haley Davidson's 2nd grade class over at Rucker Blvd Elementary. :-)

"You Must Walk Through the Valley To Stand Upon the Mountian of God"

This week, wow. Its been the worst in a while, but I know alot of it really was just my attitude. Things in all aspects of my life seem to be out of control, but I know I have not been doing my part either. So, anyway. I know next week will be better, becasue I am going to make sure of it. I ended up losing my job bc of funding. I really hate that bc I love those babies so much, but I know God never closes a door without opening a window. I am sure he has something else out there for me, if he desires for me to work. Its hard not to worry about finainces, especially in this economy, but we must remember that it is God's money, He created it, and He knows what he is doing!!!!! But, we have to do our part. So, I am trying to stay away from Walmart & Sonic! lol!

I am going to be working with the Toddlers tomorrow at Church. I had the nursery last week at church, and it wasnt my turn this week, but I just cant go into the sanctuary and worship knowing that there is a need like that. I am really looking forward to spending time with them! :-) Jeremy's best friend Glenn is coming! I am really glad. he just moved back from Auburn and is looking for a Church home. I hope HighPointe can be that for him if thats what God desires! God is really doing some awesome things at HighPointe and I am so thankful to God for allowing us to be a part of that! He truely is awesome!!!!

Jeremy is trying to teach me how to play bass. I really want to learn, I am just not very good at it. He is a great teacher though, so patient, so I know I will get it eventually! well, I am going to get off of here. Those are all of my thoughts for now! :-)

Me and my first bass lesson! :-)

The pain is real even if nobody knows...

I haven't blogged in a while because of some stuff going on in my family that I cant really talk about yet. I can tell you though that I need lots of prayer in order to deal with this. It wasn't anything done to me, but it still hurts immensely. I know God will give me the strength to deal with it, but right now its very hard.

Saturday, several of us from church all went to the beach in honor of a few of the ladies' birthdays. It was a blast. We laid on the beach and swam in the ocean for a little bit and then we went back to the resort pool and swam. It was really really nice. After that, we got ready and went and ate at this place called Caroba's. It was an Italian restaurant, but they actually had food that I could eat. I got this chicken soup and it was actually really good. After we ate, the other 4 ladies went shopping and Tonya and I went to meet up with Terri and Mom and the rest of the fam. at their hotel. I am so glad I got to see them for a little bit. I am really going to miss just riding down for the day to see them. Now its a 4 hour trip.

Everything seems so overwhelming to me in the last few days. I had a break down in walmart yesterday over what kind of laundry detergent to buy!!!!!! How retarded is that??? I know that is not why I was upset, but it just seems like decisions of any sort here lately just upset me so bad. So i just cried in the middle of walmart. lol. Not me at all.

well, those are all the thoughts I have for today. Not much, but that's whats going on in my life lately!

I still cry when I remember you...

I hesitate to even post tonight because my level of anxiety is so high, and I would never want to fill this blog full or negative energy. However, I made a commitment to be real, and that's what I am going to do!


This week has been so strange, I have spent alot of time cleaning the house(although you couldn't tell from looking at it right now!) or more or less organizing it. It has been nice to have some alone time, just me and God. However, since I am an extrovert, and I get my energy from being around other people, it was a little draining. I finally boxed up all of the baby stuff in the guest bedroom and sent it downstairs to the garage. A friend of mine had given me her left overs from having her babies, and I was reluctant to pack it all up, convincing myself every month that I would "need it soon". I have come to realize though, that I don't want anything for myself that God doesn't want for me too. I know that I will have another baby. I also know though, that he hasn't let that happen yet for a reason. I know that he wants to use me or do something with me that a child would hinder. I feel that in my spirit. I am finally, after alot of praying and waiting, at a point where I can be ok with not having a baby right now. I am not going to say that I don't hurt for a baby, or have that need in my heart, but I don't wrestle with God about it so much anymore.

I guess in packing up all that stuff, I had several moments about Jordyn. I would pause and start to think "what if..." I know I cant do that. Gods will is perfect, and although I know he wills for no child to die, he will bring something beautiful from this. On the other hand, my heart still hurts so badly and sometimes it feels so real that I can barely breathe. My stage of grief is so different then it was 8 months ago, but it still seems so raw. I wonder if it will always hurt this much. I wonder what the other side of September 24th will be like. Once he was supposed to be here. I know that its just a day, but in my brain, that was his day, the day he should have been here. I feel sometimes stupid, like I make too big a deal out of it. I have never been through anything like this before, and I am just trying to deal with it in the best way I know how. No matter how much I want to forget, I cant. He will always be a part of us, and if we never have another child on this Earth, I get to be someones mommy in heaven. :-) Now, that makes me smile!

Here is a lil something I wrote on Mother's Day to help me get through my day:

Today is Mother's Day, and I am somebody's mommy.
Yet, Mother's Day is not for me.
Others do not know. They ask when I will have "a little one."
I just smile and tell them, "Soon, I hope."
I feel so much on the inside when they ask that question, but I just smile.
They couldn't possibly know how lonely I feel without you here.

I am somebody's mommy, yet Mother's day was not for me.
No candies, cards, or phone calls.
No baby to hold or call my own.
Instead, I know inside that my little one is waiting
for me in Heaven above, and when I get there
Everyday will be Mother's Day...

Well, I guess I need to head to bed. I need to get up at a decent hour tomorrow and get some stuff done! Sorry the whole entry was about Jordyn! I love you my sweet little man!

How Awesome is the Lord most high!

I love it when God shows up just in time! His Word is so true and I am so thankful for it. I love the saying that God is seldom early, but never late! How true is that?

My friend Flissie from High school got saved 6 months ago and God is really doing some amazing things in her life. She is going to BCF now and she came over yesterday and we spent several hours talking and pouring over scripture, debating theology and doctrine. When it was all over, my head hurt so bad, but God had spoken to me in a mighty way, and really had strengthened me. So amazing what you can find when you just read the Word!!! It was such a wonderful time growing in the Lord and getting to know one another a lil better.

I am so thankful for what God is doing in my life as well as the lives of those around me. I was just thinking today how awesome it would be if we could really see all that God has in store for us. His promises are there, his Word will not go out void. When you really consider it, We couldn't handle it if we knew all God has for us. But, we just need to be careful to make sure that it is the pursuit of Holiness that motivates us and a desire to know God's heart, and not just the desire to blessed.

The wheat and dairy free thing is getting easier. I hate it though bc sometimes I feel like I make others around me feel as if they cannot have what they want to have because I cannot have it. It really doesn't bother me. My reward is not getting sick every time I eat, and that my friend is worth more than any thing I cannot eat. I feel so much better. my energy is through the roof, sometimes a little too much in my opinion! My clothes are already fitting me better. I just need to be careful to keep my mind focused on the real goal. To be all I can be for Jesus Christ! Nothing else matters!

My job is going well. I really enjoy loving on those sweet babies! God has been so faithful to me. I am in awe every time I look back at where I have been and how far he has brought me. Its wonderful to know that you are loved so much buy the creator of the universe!!!! This is why I serve him!!!! What a wonderful God! He gave everything he had, the least I can do is give my life back to him! Thank you Jesus!

Not my story, but his...

I have never been one who liked to talk about my past. Whenever the word "testimony" came up, I would cringe. I just knew if I let people see what I had been though they would hurt me. So for a very long time I kept it in, not letting anyone see who I really was. In the last year or so, God has been leading me to share more and more. Sometimes its a specific part, sometimes the whole thing, but no matter what he leads me to share, I am finding that he always works through that. He has shown me just in the last few weeks that the things I share are not who I am now, nor do they define me. They are things that although they hurt at the time and are not pretty, that he let me go though in order to bring me to this very place, and for a specific purpose. I have been told so many times after sharing something from my past how much courage it gave them or how it blessed them. I would never want to miss out on an opportunity to bring God glory. I have found that it is not my story. His blood has covered it and it is no longer mine to feel the hurt of or to be paralyzed by. If what I have been through brings just one person closer to the LORD than it was completely worth it. Just thought I would share that!

"Moving Forward"

by: Israel Houghton

What a moment

You have brought me to

Such a freedom I have found in You.

You're the healer

Who makes all things new

Yeah yeah

I'm not going back

I'm moving ahead

Here to declare to you

My past is over in You

All things are made new

Surrendered my love to Christ

I'm moving moving forward

You have risen

With all power in Your hands

You have given me

A second chance

Hallelujah hallelujah

Yeah, yeah, yeah

You make all things new

Yes You make all things new

And I will follow You Forward

The enemy came to kill and to steal...but my God came to seek and to save!

So Satan has really been working overtime on me here lately. I hate him so much. I know that HighPointe Church is where we are called to be, but Satan insists on using my past failures and insecurities to tell me that I should run away, that I am worthless, and no one wants me at HPC. It has been such a battle, and I am still fighting, but I refuse to allow him to ruin my life. God created me for a purpose, and my deepest desire is to fulfill that purpose in him! :-) God showed me something yesterday morning in my quiet time, it was amazing. I was telling him about all of my fear and anxiety when he showed me something so cool. It was me, sitting in a jail cell, just sitting there crying. The door to my cell had been ripped off, so there was nothing keeping me in. God began to call to me from outside the door and extended his hand. He showed me that yes, sitting in the chains was "safer" but he did not die so I could remain in bondage. He freed me from slavery to sin, which is why the door had been taken down. Now, because of my fear of the real world, and what lies beyond that jail cell I have been content to just stay in the chains. I am used to them, its all I have ever known. But God showed me that I cannot do his work in that cell, I cannot be everything he called me to be. He showed me that when I take his hand and walk out of that jail, he is never letting me go. I may fall, yes, but he will be right there to dust my knees off, pick me back up, and get me going again. Sometimes the road we walk will be so dark and unstable and that I will be able to do is cling to his hand like a little child and trust that if I fall he will catch me. So, I decided that I am willing to do it. I am ready to step out of that jail cell and into the arms of the one who made me! what an awesome and amazing God we serve. He is my everything and I cannot wait to meet him face to face!

Spinning so fast! :-)

It has been so long since I have written! I cannot believe it was March the last time I was on here! So much has changed! I took the summer of off work and finished school in the spring. I am still about one year away from my degree but I really feel God telling me that is not what he wants right now. I honestly don't know if I will ever go back to school. The world tells me that I should, that I need an "education". They are right, an education never hurt anyone, but I don't ever want to be outside of the will of God. Jeremy and I found the most awesome church ever, Highpointe. We have never never never been in a church like this. It is so amazing. I have made some of the best friends, and have grown more in the last two months than I have in the whole last year. God is really working in the life of HPC and I am so thankful to him that he has brought us to this place and given us the ability to serve. Jeremy went to his first Praise Band practice and he is going to be playing a little bit with them on Sunday mornings. I have been going to Bible study and We have been helping in the nursery. God has really be leading me to share my testimony. He is truly amazing. I am so thankful for what He has done, is doing and will continue to do in my life. What an awesome God we serve! I met one of the ladies from HPC at Bible study and we have been hanging out alot lately. We just really "cliched". I have had so much fun with her over the past few weeks. I am so thankful for her. She is such a wonderful friend!

I found out last week that I am highly allergic to Wheat and Dairy. It was quite a life change. Its been kinda difficult for me to find foods that do not contain either, or, or both. And there are times where I just want to get in the floor and pitch a fit bc I want a certain food that I cant have anymore. But I tell you what, I feel so much better. It truly is amazing. I have mainly been eating fruits, veggies, and chicken. I know it will get easier as I go.

I have been making pillowcase dresses and taking them to the flea market. I got little business cards printed up and they say "Ammie Doodles Dresses" my mom used to call me Ammie Doodles when I was a little girl and I adored that name. :-) The first week over there, I sold three dresses, but I didn't sale a thing this past week. I am going to give it one more shot tomorrow, but If I don't sale at least three, I am not going back. I think I am going to do better at craft shows and festivals anyway.

I got my hair cut yesterday. I now have bangs! First time in my whole life. Thank goodness for the flat iron or I would look like punky brewster! haha!

Terri and Brian are moving back to Atlanta. He got a promotion, so they are back in their old house. I will miss them being 2 hours away, but I also know that God has a plan and he is going to use them in a mighty way. Erika is now 12, Shelbie 13, Brian soon to be 14, and Tyler is 16. Its crazy how old they are. I changed everyone of those diapers! I love them so much and I know God has such an awesome plan for their lives.

Dusty's second son, Weston Howard Alexander Andrews was born on July 8, 2009. He is so precious.

This is our family on Mother's Day

Me and Jeremy on Erika's birthday

The women on Shelbie's birthday

The kids, they are getting so Big!

Sweet baby Weston

Magic ipod Quiz...

This is so cool! In this case, I am using project playlist...so, Here we go...
RULES:
1.) Put your music player on shuffle
2.) Press forward for each question
3.) Use the song title as the answer
4.) NO CHEATING!!!
What you get is what you get!

1) How am I feeling today?- You're mpt a;pme- Meredith Andrews
2) Where will I get married?Not a day goes By-Lonestar
3) What is my best friend’s theme song?My Offering- Nichole Nordeman
4) What is/was high school like?Empty Me- jeremy Camp
5) What is the best thing about me?Somebody's praying me through-Allen Asbury
6)How is today going to be?made to Worship- Chris Tomlin
7) What is in store for this weekend?My Desire- Jeremy Camp
8) What song describes my parents?If I were a Boy- Beyonce Knowles
9) How is my life going?Slipped away-Avril Lavigne
10) What song will they play at my funeral?From the Inside out-Hillsong
11) How does the world see me?Your name- Phillips, Craig and Dean
12) What do my friends really think of me?Free to be me-Francessca battistelli
13) Do people secretly lust after me?Lose my Soul-toby Mac
14) How can I make myself happy?-Set the world on fire-Nicole Britt
15) What should I do with my life?-Let it fade- Jeremy Camp
16) Will I ever have children?-Ordinary Miracle- Sarah Maclachlin
17) What is some good advice?-Always- Hillsong United
18) What do I think my current theme song is?-What are you waiting for- natalie Grant
19) What does everyone else think my current theme song is?-Realize- Colbie Calliat
20) What type of men/women do you like?-Everyday- Rascall Flatts
21) Will you get married?-Made to Love- toby Mac (LOL)
22) What should I do with my love life?-Restored- Jeremy Camp
24) Where will you live?-Bleeding love- leona lewis
25) What will your dying words be?-Hope now- Addison Road
26) How’s your day going so far?
27) How’s your love life?

5 years...

how much ive changed in 5 years......
How old were you?17
Where did you go to school?EHS
Where did you work?Dominoes Pizza
Where did you live?With my parents on Windcreek lane in Enterprise
Where did you hang out?Tracies, Chruch, walmart, Amber's, guidance office
How was your hair style?Long and curly, all one length
Did you wear glasses?Nope.
Who was your regular-person crush?I didnt have one
How many tattoos did you have?none.
How many piercings did you have?two holes in each ear
What car did you drive?Toyota Corolla
What was your worst fear?Never getting out of school alive and never findind someone
Had you smoked a cigarette?No way.
You been arrested?Negatory.
Had your heart broken?It had been broken, yes.
Single/​Taken/​Married/​Divorced/​Bitter?​Single.
**HA HA HA!!! LETS SEE WHAT YOU ARE NOW !!!!!**
How old are you?22
Where do you work?Full-time student and I work part time at Tracie's daycare
Where do you go to school?BCF
Where do you live?Enterprise
Where do you hang out?Home, the Computer lab, library, Debra's house
Do you wear glasses?No.
What is your hairstyle?short with layers, highlights
Who are your best friends?Jeremy, Terri, Mom, Michelle, Cassie
Still talk to any of your old friends?Yes, sometimes.
How many piercings?2 in each ear
How many tattoos??none
What kind of car do you have?Toyota corolla
What is your biggest fear?Losing him.
Have you been arrested since if so how many times total?negative.
Has your heart been broken?Not yet this time.


Wow! You do not realize how much things change in just a few years. It is so crazy!!!

My life is a runaway train, trying to find the track!

SO! Life is so very busy. School is getting so intense, and it seems like all I do is homework! I have midterms in less than two weeks. Time is going by so fast. I still cannot believe that we are in March! How did that happen??? Today is my Dad's birthday. J and I went out with him and my step mom, Nona, on Friday night and we really had a great time. Last night we went over to my cousin Justin's house and visited. He has a 7 month old and she is A-dorable. My other cousins Dustin and Johnathon were there. It was neat to get to visit with them. Justin lives in my grandparents old house, the one I spent most of my time growing up, so it was bitter sweet to sit in that living room, all grown up. :(
Jeremy has decided that for now he really feels that HBC is the church we need to serve at. He wants for us to get plugged in and get involved. Sounds good to me. I have been thinking about joining the chior and maybe keeping nursery again. Jim Duhaime ( the counselor at my church, and he also married J and I) came and spoke at our chapter meeting of the AACC at the college. It was so cool to have him there, kinda made me think back on when God called me and it really renewed my spirit. I enjoyed hearing him speak.
We are going to see Madea goes to Jail today at 2. I cant wait. I love those movies. Tracie and her gang is going with us. I am really blessed with such a large, wonderful family. :) Well, I need to run so I can get ready to go and worship!

Pics...

me and my baby Sumo!!!

Valenines Day!!!!

Hope Now...

So basically, its been a month since I lost my little baby. I cant believe it. God has been so faithful to me. School is going fairly well, its getting a little bit more intense, but I am enjoying it. I spend alot of time alone at school. I really enjoy that time though, God loves on me alot through it and it gives me a chance to really be still and know that he is God. Not something that I can do at the daycare. lol. The daycare is going good. We have been singing alot of little church songs, (Father Abraham, Jesus loves me, I'm in the LORD's Army) and just such as that. It has really ignited something within our three and four year olds. I explained what The Bible is and who Jesus is. They are always asking questions and I am so thrilled for that. I joined the AACC yesterday and I am so excited. We are going to the world convention in September to Nashville and I cannot wait. Valetines was fun this year. we went out to eat at El palcio and then we came back and kept Tracie and Eddie's kids so that they could go out. It was a good day.

I have been a little lonely this week. Sometimes I think about how far along I would be if I had not lost the baby. I don't dwell on it, but sometimes I do think of it. I think about heaven and how my baby is there with Jesus. I know God is sovereign and I completely respect his decision, but it really does hurt..."Not a day goes by that I don't think of you..."

My offering...

Things have def. gotten easier in regards to the miscarriage. I knew that it would, it just took some time. School has picked up now and I stay really busy. I enjoy it though. I started attending a girls Bible study on Thursdays during chapel hour and I think it is going to be good. We are studying the book of Esther. When I began school at BCF, I knew that God was calling me to counseling, but I had no idea how he was going to use me. I have just been taking it slow, praying about it, and trying to be Christ led on my descision. In the last few months, God has used several different people and circumstances to open my eyes and my heart about counseling teens with cutting and eating disorders, primarily cutting. Like I said, I despretly want to be God led, but I really think this could be what he is calling me to. There is such a need for this kind of counseling, there is such a lack of information out there. I could see myself counseling with these kids, and then treaveling around and giving seminars and training churches on how to manage this epidemic in thier churches, schools, and community. I would also like to travel around, sharing my testimony and becoming a motivational speaker. We will see what happens!

Jeremy and I are still trying to make a descision about church. It is so difficult. We love both churches, but unfortanatly, we disagree with both. It is really Jeremy's descision, so I have just been talking with him and praying through it with him, and praying for him. Right now, we are members at Hillcrest(Southern Baptist) so that is where we have been attending while we decide. We went bowling with the Reds from Straight Paths church( the independent Baptist Church) and we had a wonderful time. I just love those people so much. Jeremy talked with Mr. Red a very long time when we got back from the bowling ailey, but I dont know about what really. Maybe it was a good time for them.

Well, I will have my car paid for this month, which is so exciting! We are looking forward to getting our debt paid off so that we can live Biblically. I am so thankful that we had a good start. :) Well, thats all I have for today! God Bless!

Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne

This is my song to the baby. It pretty much goes through every thought I have had about him or her.


I miss you
Miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh it's so sad.
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly.

[Chorus]
The day you slipped away.....
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
OhNa na
Na na na
na na
I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't
ooooooooooooh
I hope you can hear me
Cause I remember it clearly

[Chorus]
The day you slipped away...
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
OhI've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why.
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake it
It happened you passed by
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere you're not coming back

I miss you.

Not a day goes by that I dont think of you...

Well, its getting a little bit easier, but most def. still difficult. I had a pretty good week at school, but I still feel really sad on the inside. Lonely really. I never felt my sweet little baby kick or anything, but just knowing that he or she was there and now is gone is very hard. I feel empty. Jeremy cant wait to be pregnant again, but I am scared. I know that God is in control, and if he brings me to it, he will bring me through it, but I just dont want the heartache of this happening again. God, please be with me. I stayed in Graceville on Thursday evening with Cassie and Kaylie and I had fun. It was good to be with Cassie again, kinda like when we were roomies :-) I had my first AACC (American Association of Christian Counselors) meeting on Friday. Amy, an old friend who graduated two years ago, was our guest speaker. Before the meeting started, she handed out these little pamphlets that had this little baby in the womb on the front. There was a lapel pin on the front that had two little feet on it. Under the pin it said "this pin is the exact size and shape of a 10 week pregnancy baby's feet." The meeting hadnt even started, I am sure she was going to speak on abortion, but I quickly left. The tears began pouring down my face before I could even get out of the building. I felt the pain all over again. It was terrible. I saw the school councelor on Thursday and she encouraged me to continue to grieve, even if that meant crying. I was about 25-35 days pregnant. This is what is said about my baby at the time that I lost him or her.

"By 25 days from fertilization the body is developing. Head and trunk appear and tiny arm buds begin to form, followed by leg buds. The early embryo seems to have a "tail", but this is really a protective covering for the spinal cord. Because the central nervous system (brain. spine and spinal cord) is so important, governing sensory and motor functions, the embryo's body is designed for rapid growth of head and back.
By 21 to 25 days the baby's heart is beating. Other internal organs are present in simple form and functioning as they grow. Early facial features appear. The doctor who performed the first-ever blood transfusion to an unborn baby has described the embryo at the end of the first month from fertilisation:By 30 days, just two weeks past mother's first missed period, the baby - one quarter of an inch long - has a brain of unmistakable human proportions, eyes, ears, mouth, kidneys, liver, an umbilical cord and a heart pumping blood he has made himself."


I took this from the website www.spuc.org. It was very imformative about babies development and has several arguments against abortion.

Today Jeremy and I had foster care classes and then we came home, I did homework and we took a nap. When we got up we went to the Anderson's home and visited Grandma LeCompte as well. It was a nice time visiting. I am so thankful for the blood of Jesus Christ and the hope that we have in him. I just dont know how I could make it through each and every day without him.

When all the kings horses and all the kings men can't put your heart back together again, call on the King of Kings and LORD or Lords!!!

They last two days have been better, but still tough. J and I did not go to Foster care classes yesterday, I still wasn't feeling up to par. Tyler's birthday party was yesterday afternoon, so we went over to Tracie's and did that. Mom, Terri and the kids came and it was so nice to see them. They are pretty sad for me. Mom said this whole last week didn't feel real. I feel the same way while all in the same it feels too real. Terri said Erika was really concerned about me. She was very sweet to me. I got a little sad last night and cried. I worked on some hermeneutics homework and memorized some scripture for personal evangelism. It kept me busy and will help to reduce my stress level this week. I am really enjoying school and I am so thankful for the opportunity to go back. I wish I got to go everyday. J and I went to Hillcrest this morning and it was good. I cried alot though. A lady walked by with a newborn baby and I thought, "That would have been me in September..." then to top that off during welcome the lady and her husband in front of me turns around to shake my hand and she was prego. I lost it. I tried to fight the tears. I went to the restroom, asked God to give me strength and went back into service. I am at peace with God's decision, but It still makes me oh so sad. I guess it will just take some time. I am trying to work through my grief and I think I am going to see Ms. Sue(One of the counseling profs at the college who offers counseling to the students) next week if I can. I think it would help to talk to someone objectively. I really hate that this has impacted my family so greatly. Tracie called tonight to see if she could do anything. I told her to pray. I know that people have been praying for me, that is the only way I can sit her today and be OK with the good LORD's decision. Well, I better go. I have to work tomorrow, but I am sure it will be a good day. I cant wait to get back to school, and to get back to life. I am so ready for all of this to be over. It hurts so much.

Sometimes he calms the storm, and other times he calms his child.

It was hard to open my eyes yesterday morning when J called my name. I knew that if I would just lay there a little bit longer that maybe I would really wake up and this nightmare would all be over. That was wishful thinking though. I was still in alot of pain so I took some medicine and got ready for school. I cried alot. I sought GOD alot on the drive to school. I cried, prayed, and lifted my voice up to my savior. I pulled it together before I got to school and I was able to make it through my first class with out crying. I went to Dothan and got my blood work done. That was so hard, to sit there, knowing that just two days before I was so excited to sit in that chair and find out about my little one. I cried going back to Graceville, but then I heard a song. They lyrics so inspired me and my situation. It was as if God was speaking right to me.

All who sail the sea of faith
Find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark
And gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water
Pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing
That our Lord is in control
Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered peace be still
He can settle any sea
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child
He has a reason for each trial
That we pass through in life
And though we're shaken
We cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down
On those who hold to faith
A heart of trust will always
Be a quiet peaceful place

I have known throughout this whole experience that God was in this and that he would make things right in the end. I am not about to sit here and lie to you and tell you that I am not in pain. I am in the worst pain both emotionally and physically that I think I have ever felt, but Jesus Christ did not die so that I could stay in this place forever. I will get over this, I will move on, and every day that I cling to him and his promises, the pain lessens and little more and a little more. I shared with my PSY 302 class (parenting) what was going on so that they could pray over me. I was given the opportunity to share what was happening, how it was making me feel, and most of all how God was working in my life through this experience. Dr. Burns and much of the class cried as I shared about our need for a child and how faithful God had been to us because we had obeyed him. Dr. Burns thanked me for sharing my experience, that it had been a blessing to them. He said it will help all of us in the counseling ministry to better understand the feelings and emotions behind miscarriage. I wish I could sit and write all the blessings God has bestowed on me in the last two days, but I would need hours and hours to do so. He never stops amazing me and he most def. never stops loving me. Jeremy is doing ok through all of this, I think it hurts him almost as much as it does me. This week has not been fun, and I do not understand what God's purpose is, I do understand that sometimes he lets us go things to grow us. I am not afraid though, After all, if he brings you to it, he will bring you through it!
I am still in alot of pain today, and I am just trying to take it easy. I did have to work, but I haven't been lifting anyone and I am just sitting around more or less. It did me good to come and see these little ones. They all drew cards for me that say get well soon. It was so sweet. I have to go back for one more round of blood work on Thursday, just to make sure that I don't get infection or anything. J and I went to revival meeting at Straight Paths last night and really enjoyed it. I miss everyone so much. J says he still feels hesitation in his spirit though, so we are praying through that and trying to discern what is making him feel that way. Mom and Terri are coming this weekend for Tyler's birthday and I am looking forward to seeing them. God is so good, all the time. :)

Our ways are not as high as his...

So much is going on with life. I started school yesterday and also found out the greatest news: I am pregnant. I had three home pregnancy tests come back positve both Monday night and Sunday morning, so I had the blood test done yesterday morning. I waited all day for the news, but as soon as I heard the nurse's voice, I knew something wasnt quite right. She told me I was pregnant, but she warned me not to get too excited, that my hormone levels were dangerously low, and I was looking at an impending miscarriage. I cannot begin to explain the feeling I had. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and thrown upon the ground. I called Jeremy and it took five minutes for him to be able to understand me I was crying so badly. He could not believe what he was hearing: our greatest hope coming true, only to be taken back. I was still in Graceville, so I found my old roomie(and best friend) Cassie and cried and cried and cried. It all seems like a blur. Then I called my family. Terri and mom cried, the kids got upset. Tracie was in disbelief. Dad tried so hard to be postive. I came home and the evening was quite sober, much like waiting around for a funeral. I cried a little, prayed a little, and did it all over again. J and I went to walmart to get him some long Johns and we ran into his parents. We told them what was going on and they were blown away. I got some much needed sleep last night and then this morning I woke up bleeding, and I knew what had happened. I called mom and Terri and the Doctor and waited. They confirmed the miscarriage and told me they would like for me to come in for labs tomorrow. I didnt work today, and J sayed home with me. Right now, I am just sitting here, not knowing what to do next. I cant do anything without crying. I have class tomorrow, work at the daycare friday. How do I go to school tomorrow and act like nothing happened? And if I do tell people what happened, I dont want to face them. And the daycare? How am I going to go over there and love on other people's babies??? The pain just seems so great. I know that God is in control and that he is soverign and perfect for everyhting that he does. I know that this is part of his plan, and one day I will understand. God gave Jeremy and I that baby, even though it was so very tiny, it is rightfully his baby to take back. I know that one day I will meet that baby in heaven. I feel so silly for being so upset over a pregnancy that had barely just begun, but it hurts so bad, worse than any other pain I have ever felt. My ways are not as high as his and I cannot begin to understand. I just trust that he knows what is best for me and for Jeremy and for whatever little one(s) he decides to bless us with.

I can't believe that its 2009!!!!

Jeremy and I on Christmas Eve! Our First Tree!!!!!!

WOW! It has been so long since I wrote! Sorry about that! We had a wonderful Thanksgiving and a great first Christmas as a married couple and being in our first home! God is so good! We closed in the Garage over Thanksgiving and it really looks cute...My sister Terri says that our house now looks like a gingerbread house with the red doors and such. Jeremy and I are growing to love our home more and more every day!

Things are going so good at the daycare! I sewed my first pillowcase dress and it turned out pretty good! I gave it to Anna Lynn for her birthday. Jeremy and I are really struggling on a church to call home, so keep us in your prayers. Zak got to come home again because he was hurt, and got to stay a full 6 weeks. Mom, Ms. terri and Katie took him back yesterday and he checked in at midnight. He may be there until June. Please rememeber him in your prayers! Well, That is all that I have time for tonight, but I am going to add some pictures on here from Christmas!

Much Love,

Amanda