I still cry when I remember you...

I hesitate to even post tonight because my level of anxiety is so high, and I would never want to fill this blog full or negative energy. However, I made a commitment to be real, and that's what I am going to do!


This week has been so strange, I have spent alot of time cleaning the house(although you couldn't tell from looking at it right now!) or more or less organizing it. It has been nice to have some alone time, just me and God. However, since I am an extrovert, and I get my energy from being around other people, it was a little draining. I finally boxed up all of the baby stuff in the guest bedroom and sent it downstairs to the garage. A friend of mine had given me her left overs from having her babies, and I was reluctant to pack it all up, convincing myself every month that I would "need it soon". I have come to realize though, that I don't want anything for myself that God doesn't want for me too. I know that I will have another baby. I also know though, that he hasn't let that happen yet for a reason. I know that he wants to use me or do something with me that a child would hinder. I feel that in my spirit. I am finally, after alot of praying and waiting, at a point where I can be ok with not having a baby right now. I am not going to say that I don't hurt for a baby, or have that need in my heart, but I don't wrestle with God about it so much anymore.

I guess in packing up all that stuff, I had several moments about Jordyn. I would pause and start to think "what if..." I know I cant do that. Gods will is perfect, and although I know he wills for no child to die, he will bring something beautiful from this. On the other hand, my heart still hurts so badly and sometimes it feels so real that I can barely breathe. My stage of grief is so different then it was 8 months ago, but it still seems so raw. I wonder if it will always hurt this much. I wonder what the other side of September 24th will be like. Once he was supposed to be here. I know that its just a day, but in my brain, that was his day, the day he should have been here. I feel sometimes stupid, like I make too big a deal out of it. I have never been through anything like this before, and I am just trying to deal with it in the best way I know how. No matter how much I want to forget, I cant. He will always be a part of us, and if we never have another child on this Earth, I get to be someones mommy in heaven. :-) Now, that makes me smile!

Here is a lil something I wrote on Mother's Day to help me get through my day:

Today is Mother's Day, and I am somebody's mommy.
Yet, Mother's Day is not for me.
Others do not know. They ask when I will have "a little one."
I just smile and tell them, "Soon, I hope."
I feel so much on the inside when they ask that question, but I just smile.
They couldn't possibly know how lonely I feel without you here.

I am somebody's mommy, yet Mother's day was not for me.
No candies, cards, or phone calls.
No baby to hold or call my own.
Instead, I know inside that my little one is waiting
for me in Heaven above, and when I get there
Everyday will be Mother's Day...

Well, I guess I need to head to bed. I need to get up at a decent hour tomorrow and get some stuff done! Sorry the whole entry was about Jordyn! I love you my sweet little man!

How Awesome is the Lord most high!

I love it when God shows up just in time! His Word is so true and I am so thankful for it. I love the saying that God is seldom early, but never late! How true is that?

My friend Flissie from High school got saved 6 months ago and God is really doing some amazing things in her life. She is going to BCF now and she came over yesterday and we spent several hours talking and pouring over scripture, debating theology and doctrine. When it was all over, my head hurt so bad, but God had spoken to me in a mighty way, and really had strengthened me. So amazing what you can find when you just read the Word!!! It was such a wonderful time growing in the Lord and getting to know one another a lil better.

I am so thankful for what God is doing in my life as well as the lives of those around me. I was just thinking today how awesome it would be if we could really see all that God has in store for us. His promises are there, his Word will not go out void. When you really consider it, We couldn't handle it if we knew all God has for us. But, we just need to be careful to make sure that it is the pursuit of Holiness that motivates us and a desire to know God's heart, and not just the desire to blessed.

The wheat and dairy free thing is getting easier. I hate it though bc sometimes I feel like I make others around me feel as if they cannot have what they want to have because I cannot have it. It really doesn't bother me. My reward is not getting sick every time I eat, and that my friend is worth more than any thing I cannot eat. I feel so much better. my energy is through the roof, sometimes a little too much in my opinion! My clothes are already fitting me better. I just need to be careful to keep my mind focused on the real goal. To be all I can be for Jesus Christ! Nothing else matters!

My job is going well. I really enjoy loving on those sweet babies! God has been so faithful to me. I am in awe every time I look back at where I have been and how far he has brought me. Its wonderful to know that you are loved so much buy the creator of the universe!!!! This is why I serve him!!!! What a wonderful God! He gave everything he had, the least I can do is give my life back to him! Thank you Jesus!

Not my story, but his...

I have never been one who liked to talk about my past. Whenever the word "testimony" came up, I would cringe. I just knew if I let people see what I had been though they would hurt me. So for a very long time I kept it in, not letting anyone see who I really was. In the last year or so, God has been leading me to share more and more. Sometimes its a specific part, sometimes the whole thing, but no matter what he leads me to share, I am finding that he always works through that. He has shown me just in the last few weeks that the things I share are not who I am now, nor do they define me. They are things that although they hurt at the time and are not pretty, that he let me go though in order to bring me to this very place, and for a specific purpose. I have been told so many times after sharing something from my past how much courage it gave them or how it blessed them. I would never want to miss out on an opportunity to bring God glory. I have found that it is not my story. His blood has covered it and it is no longer mine to feel the hurt of or to be paralyzed by. If what I have been through brings just one person closer to the LORD than it was completely worth it. Just thought I would share that!

"Moving Forward"

by: Israel Houghton

What a moment

You have brought me to

Such a freedom I have found in You.

You're the healer

Who makes all things new

Yeah yeah

I'm not going back

I'm moving ahead

Here to declare to you

My past is over in You

All things are made new

Surrendered my love to Christ

I'm moving moving forward

You have risen

With all power in Your hands

You have given me

A second chance

Hallelujah hallelujah

Yeah, yeah, yeah

You make all things new

Yes You make all things new

And I will follow You Forward

The enemy came to kill and to steal...but my God came to seek and to save!

So Satan has really been working overtime on me here lately. I hate him so much. I know that HighPointe Church is where we are called to be, but Satan insists on using my past failures and insecurities to tell me that I should run away, that I am worthless, and no one wants me at HPC. It has been such a battle, and I am still fighting, but I refuse to allow him to ruin my life. God created me for a purpose, and my deepest desire is to fulfill that purpose in him! :-) God showed me something yesterday morning in my quiet time, it was amazing. I was telling him about all of my fear and anxiety when he showed me something so cool. It was me, sitting in a jail cell, just sitting there crying. The door to my cell had been ripped off, so there was nothing keeping me in. God began to call to me from outside the door and extended his hand. He showed me that yes, sitting in the chains was "safer" but he did not die so I could remain in bondage. He freed me from slavery to sin, which is why the door had been taken down. Now, because of my fear of the real world, and what lies beyond that jail cell I have been content to just stay in the chains. I am used to them, its all I have ever known. But God showed me that I cannot do his work in that cell, I cannot be everything he called me to be. He showed me that when I take his hand and walk out of that jail, he is never letting me go. I may fall, yes, but he will be right there to dust my knees off, pick me back up, and get me going again. Sometimes the road we walk will be so dark and unstable and that I will be able to do is cling to his hand like a little child and trust that if I fall he will catch me. So, I decided that I am willing to do it. I am ready to step out of that jail cell and into the arms of the one who made me! what an awesome and amazing God we serve. He is my everything and I cannot wait to meet him face to face!

Spinning so fast! :-)

It has been so long since I have written! I cannot believe it was March the last time I was on here! So much has changed! I took the summer of off work and finished school in the spring. I am still about one year away from my degree but I really feel God telling me that is not what he wants right now. I honestly don't know if I will ever go back to school. The world tells me that I should, that I need an "education". They are right, an education never hurt anyone, but I don't ever want to be outside of the will of God. Jeremy and I found the most awesome church ever, Highpointe. We have never never never been in a church like this. It is so amazing. I have made some of the best friends, and have grown more in the last two months than I have in the whole last year. God is really working in the life of HPC and I am so thankful to him that he has brought us to this place and given us the ability to serve. Jeremy went to his first Praise Band practice and he is going to be playing a little bit with them on Sunday mornings. I have been going to Bible study and We have been helping in the nursery. God has really be leading me to share my testimony. He is truly amazing. I am so thankful for what He has done, is doing and will continue to do in my life. What an awesome God we serve! I met one of the ladies from HPC at Bible study and we have been hanging out alot lately. We just really "cliched". I have had so much fun with her over the past few weeks. I am so thankful for her. She is such a wonderful friend!

I found out last week that I am highly allergic to Wheat and Dairy. It was quite a life change. Its been kinda difficult for me to find foods that do not contain either, or, or both. And there are times where I just want to get in the floor and pitch a fit bc I want a certain food that I cant have anymore. But I tell you what, I feel so much better. It truly is amazing. I have mainly been eating fruits, veggies, and chicken. I know it will get easier as I go.

I have been making pillowcase dresses and taking them to the flea market. I got little business cards printed up and they say "Ammie Doodles Dresses" my mom used to call me Ammie Doodles when I was a little girl and I adored that name. :-) The first week over there, I sold three dresses, but I didn't sale a thing this past week. I am going to give it one more shot tomorrow, but If I don't sale at least three, I am not going back. I think I am going to do better at craft shows and festivals anyway.

I got my hair cut yesterday. I now have bangs! First time in my whole life. Thank goodness for the flat iron or I would look like punky brewster! haha!

Terri and Brian are moving back to Atlanta. He got a promotion, so they are back in their old house. I will miss them being 2 hours away, but I also know that God has a plan and he is going to use them in a mighty way. Erika is now 12, Shelbie 13, Brian soon to be 14, and Tyler is 16. Its crazy how old they are. I changed everyone of those diapers! I love them so much and I know God has such an awesome plan for their lives.

Dusty's second son, Weston Howard Alexander Andrews was born on July 8, 2009. He is so precious.

This is our family on Mother's Day

Me and Jeremy on Erika's birthday

The women on Shelbie's birthday

The kids, they are getting so Big!

Sweet baby Weston