Not a day goes by that I dont think of you...

Well, its getting a little bit easier, but most def. still difficult. I had a pretty good week at school, but I still feel really sad on the inside. Lonely really. I never felt my sweet little baby kick or anything, but just knowing that he or she was there and now is gone is very hard. I feel empty. Jeremy cant wait to be pregnant again, but I am scared. I know that God is in control, and if he brings me to it, he will bring me through it, but I just dont want the heartache of this happening again. God, please be with me. I stayed in Graceville on Thursday evening with Cassie and Kaylie and I had fun. It was good to be with Cassie again, kinda like when we were roomies :-) I had my first AACC (American Association of Christian Counselors) meeting on Friday. Amy, an old friend who graduated two years ago, was our guest speaker. Before the meeting started, she handed out these little pamphlets that had this little baby in the womb on the front. There was a lapel pin on the front that had two little feet on it. Under the pin it said "this pin is the exact size and shape of a 10 week pregnancy baby's feet." The meeting hadnt even started, I am sure she was going to speak on abortion, but I quickly left. The tears began pouring down my face before I could even get out of the building. I felt the pain all over again. It was terrible. I saw the school councelor on Thursday and she encouraged me to continue to grieve, even if that meant crying. I was about 25-35 days pregnant. This is what is said about my baby at the time that I lost him or her.

"By 25 days from fertilization the body is developing. Head and trunk appear and tiny arm buds begin to form, followed by leg buds. The early embryo seems to have a "tail", but this is really a protective covering for the spinal cord. Because the central nervous system (brain. spine and spinal cord) is so important, governing sensory and motor functions, the embryo's body is designed for rapid growth of head and back.
By 21 to 25 days the baby's heart is beating. Other internal organs are present in simple form and functioning as they grow. Early facial features appear. The doctor who performed the first-ever blood transfusion to an unborn baby has described the embryo at the end of the first month from fertilisation:By 30 days, just two weeks past mother's first missed period, the baby - one quarter of an inch long - has a brain of unmistakable human proportions, eyes, ears, mouth, kidneys, liver, an umbilical cord and a heart pumping blood he has made himself."


I took this from the website www.spuc.org. It was very imformative about babies development and has several arguments against abortion.

Today Jeremy and I had foster care classes and then we came home, I did homework and we took a nap. When we got up we went to the Anderson's home and visited Grandma LeCompte as well. It was a nice time visiting. I am so thankful for the blood of Jesus Christ and the hope that we have in him. I just dont know how I could make it through each and every day without him.

When all the kings horses and all the kings men can't put your heart back together again, call on the King of Kings and LORD or Lords!!!

They last two days have been better, but still tough. J and I did not go to Foster care classes yesterday, I still wasn't feeling up to par. Tyler's birthday party was yesterday afternoon, so we went over to Tracie's and did that. Mom, Terri and the kids came and it was so nice to see them. They are pretty sad for me. Mom said this whole last week didn't feel real. I feel the same way while all in the same it feels too real. Terri said Erika was really concerned about me. She was very sweet to me. I got a little sad last night and cried. I worked on some hermeneutics homework and memorized some scripture for personal evangelism. It kept me busy and will help to reduce my stress level this week. I am really enjoying school and I am so thankful for the opportunity to go back. I wish I got to go everyday. J and I went to Hillcrest this morning and it was good. I cried alot though. A lady walked by with a newborn baby and I thought, "That would have been me in September..." then to top that off during welcome the lady and her husband in front of me turns around to shake my hand and she was prego. I lost it. I tried to fight the tears. I went to the restroom, asked God to give me strength and went back into service. I am at peace with God's decision, but It still makes me oh so sad. I guess it will just take some time. I am trying to work through my grief and I think I am going to see Ms. Sue(One of the counseling profs at the college who offers counseling to the students) next week if I can. I think it would help to talk to someone objectively. I really hate that this has impacted my family so greatly. Tracie called tonight to see if she could do anything. I told her to pray. I know that people have been praying for me, that is the only way I can sit her today and be OK with the good LORD's decision. Well, I better go. I have to work tomorrow, but I am sure it will be a good day. I cant wait to get back to school, and to get back to life. I am so ready for all of this to be over. It hurts so much.

Sometimes he calms the storm, and other times he calms his child.

It was hard to open my eyes yesterday morning when J called my name. I knew that if I would just lay there a little bit longer that maybe I would really wake up and this nightmare would all be over. That was wishful thinking though. I was still in alot of pain so I took some medicine and got ready for school. I cried alot. I sought GOD alot on the drive to school. I cried, prayed, and lifted my voice up to my savior. I pulled it together before I got to school and I was able to make it through my first class with out crying. I went to Dothan and got my blood work done. That was so hard, to sit there, knowing that just two days before I was so excited to sit in that chair and find out about my little one. I cried going back to Graceville, but then I heard a song. They lyrics so inspired me and my situation. It was as if God was speaking right to me.

All who sail the sea of faith
Find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark
And gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water
Pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing
That our Lord is in control
Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered peace be still
He can settle any sea
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child
He has a reason for each trial
That we pass through in life
And though we're shaken
We cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down
On those who hold to faith
A heart of trust will always
Be a quiet peaceful place

I have known throughout this whole experience that God was in this and that he would make things right in the end. I am not about to sit here and lie to you and tell you that I am not in pain. I am in the worst pain both emotionally and physically that I think I have ever felt, but Jesus Christ did not die so that I could stay in this place forever. I will get over this, I will move on, and every day that I cling to him and his promises, the pain lessens and little more and a little more. I shared with my PSY 302 class (parenting) what was going on so that they could pray over me. I was given the opportunity to share what was happening, how it was making me feel, and most of all how God was working in my life through this experience. Dr. Burns and much of the class cried as I shared about our need for a child and how faithful God had been to us because we had obeyed him. Dr. Burns thanked me for sharing my experience, that it had been a blessing to them. He said it will help all of us in the counseling ministry to better understand the feelings and emotions behind miscarriage. I wish I could sit and write all the blessings God has bestowed on me in the last two days, but I would need hours and hours to do so. He never stops amazing me and he most def. never stops loving me. Jeremy is doing ok through all of this, I think it hurts him almost as much as it does me. This week has not been fun, and I do not understand what God's purpose is, I do understand that sometimes he lets us go things to grow us. I am not afraid though, After all, if he brings you to it, he will bring you through it!
I am still in alot of pain today, and I am just trying to take it easy. I did have to work, but I haven't been lifting anyone and I am just sitting around more or less. It did me good to come and see these little ones. They all drew cards for me that say get well soon. It was so sweet. I have to go back for one more round of blood work on Thursday, just to make sure that I don't get infection or anything. J and I went to revival meeting at Straight Paths last night and really enjoyed it. I miss everyone so much. J says he still feels hesitation in his spirit though, so we are praying through that and trying to discern what is making him feel that way. Mom and Terri are coming this weekend for Tyler's birthday and I am looking forward to seeing them. God is so good, all the time. :)

Our ways are not as high as his...

So much is going on with life. I started school yesterday and also found out the greatest news: I am pregnant. I had three home pregnancy tests come back positve both Monday night and Sunday morning, so I had the blood test done yesterday morning. I waited all day for the news, but as soon as I heard the nurse's voice, I knew something wasnt quite right. She told me I was pregnant, but she warned me not to get too excited, that my hormone levels were dangerously low, and I was looking at an impending miscarriage. I cannot begin to explain the feeling I had. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and thrown upon the ground. I called Jeremy and it took five minutes for him to be able to understand me I was crying so badly. He could not believe what he was hearing: our greatest hope coming true, only to be taken back. I was still in Graceville, so I found my old roomie(and best friend) Cassie and cried and cried and cried. It all seems like a blur. Then I called my family. Terri and mom cried, the kids got upset. Tracie was in disbelief. Dad tried so hard to be postive. I came home and the evening was quite sober, much like waiting around for a funeral. I cried a little, prayed a little, and did it all over again. J and I went to walmart to get him some long Johns and we ran into his parents. We told them what was going on and they were blown away. I got some much needed sleep last night and then this morning I woke up bleeding, and I knew what had happened. I called mom and Terri and the Doctor and waited. They confirmed the miscarriage and told me they would like for me to come in for labs tomorrow. I didnt work today, and J sayed home with me. Right now, I am just sitting here, not knowing what to do next. I cant do anything without crying. I have class tomorrow, work at the daycare friday. How do I go to school tomorrow and act like nothing happened? And if I do tell people what happened, I dont want to face them. And the daycare? How am I going to go over there and love on other people's babies??? The pain just seems so great. I know that God is in control and that he is soverign and perfect for everyhting that he does. I know that this is part of his plan, and one day I will understand. God gave Jeremy and I that baby, even though it was so very tiny, it is rightfully his baby to take back. I know that one day I will meet that baby in heaven. I feel so silly for being so upset over a pregnancy that had barely just begun, but it hurts so bad, worse than any other pain I have ever felt. My ways are not as high as his and I cannot begin to understand. I just trust that he knows what is best for me and for Jeremy and for whatever little one(s) he decides to bless us with.

I can't believe that its 2009!!!!

Jeremy and I on Christmas Eve! Our First Tree!!!!!!

WOW! It has been so long since I wrote! Sorry about that! We had a wonderful Thanksgiving and a great first Christmas as a married couple and being in our first home! God is so good! We closed in the Garage over Thanksgiving and it really looks cute...My sister Terri says that our house now looks like a gingerbread house with the red doors and such. Jeremy and I are growing to love our home more and more every day!

Things are going so good at the daycare! I sewed my first pillowcase dress and it turned out pretty good! I gave it to Anna Lynn for her birthday. Jeremy and I are really struggling on a church to call home, so keep us in your prayers. Zak got to come home again because he was hurt, and got to stay a full 6 weeks. Mom, Ms. terri and Katie took him back yesterday and he checked in at midnight. He may be there until June. Please rememeber him in your prayers! Well, That is all that I have time for tonight, but I am going to add some pictures on here from Christmas!

Much Love,

Amanda