I thought that it would be the big things about this month that would hurt the most. Newborn babies, pregnant women, baby clothes, etc. But that's not really what hurts. Its the little things that I have noticed. Like today, I was leaving my house and as I walked out my door and down the stairs I noticed all the leaves covering the sidewalk. It hurts because when I found out I was pregnant I knew I would be having him about the time the seasons change. The line from a song called "I still cry" played back in my head, "...and when the leaves start falling down, I'll still cry." It took all I could do not to cry. Then, the children named Jordan that I see everyday. When their parents call their names, it makes me so sad. I feel like I should be calling my Jordyn's name. I don't feel at all like I imagined I would feel. The pain feels more numbed, dull and aching. Not so sharp and stabbing anymore. I will never get over Jordyn. He will always be my baby, but I know It will continue to get easier. To be honest, I am doing alot better than I thought I would be doing. I am so thankful that God heals out hearts and mends the brokenness in our lives. I know that one day the things that hurt so bad wont hurt anymore. "He gives beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning, and peace for despair!"
I am subbing for the first time tomorrow. I am so excited and scared! I am going to be subbing for Haley Davidson's 2nd grade class over at Rucker Blvd Elementary. :-)